Last night in my final hours in West Palm, I walked into a spot in town I’d never been to before around 8:30 pm and scanned the room to find my company for the evening. I found him in the far right corner with his feet up. His skin screams the name of the Sun and you could follow the ink from his wrist to the curve at the back of his tricep. I knew upon sitting down that I wanted to know what was going on under his shirt. I had a feeling I’d find out...
I’m in a season of my life where Sexuality and Intimacy are topics I’m exploring with some serious inquiry and intention. The patterns I’d been in for over a decade of sexual activity are being obliterated and new pathways of experiencing are being forged in real time. What I’ve decided is that I’m willing to be perceived as weird when someone hasn’t experienced the conversations I’m willing to guide us into, which feels for me like calling us higher and into actual presence instead of “going through the motions” - as we do.
As far as I’m concerned, my intimate encounter last night began the moment I sat down and we started talking, but all I knew then was that I’d really (really) like to take his shirt off and from there my desires were still a question mark. I tune into the energy between us and how that’s moving. We talked for a long time. It was easy and there was no pressure for it to lead us in any particular direction. At some point I ask if he wants to take a walk over to the water. I want to come close to salt water in my lungs one more time before I leave town. He kisses me and I’m not surprised. I want my hands on that suntanned skin somethin’ fierce. Soon, I ask him “What are your desires for this encounter?”.
I’m willing to bet most of you haven’t been asked something like that before. I know no one has ever asked ME that. How would YOU feel if someone asked you? Much like my insanely sexy friend last night, you’d probably feel a liiiiiitle awkward. I feel you, fam. I really do. It didn’t get “easier” as I inquired further with things like “What would you like to happen next?” as we progressed. Home boy probably hasn’t had a ton of women like me in his hands before.
Evolving into higher realms of relating will ask us to get uncomfortable sometimes. It might mean that someone has no fucking idea what to say. It might mean you ask questions that they’ve never asked THEMSELVES before, let alone answered for someone else. It might mean that you ask yourself - for the first time - what YOU really want, need and can handle in the scope of what you’re co-creating. It might mean they scratch their head a little bit about you.
It might mean you start getting willing to get weird.
I’m here to tell ya that it can get a little messy but that’s part of the fun of transforming.
I’ll be here being weird right along with ya.
PS. It was as good as I thought it would be under that shirt.