RISK

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My dad used to use a particular phrase to describe my mom’s brother:

“Live fast. Die young. Have a good-looking corpse.”

He was - is - different from them. Real “rebel without a cause” type. I had stars in my eyes over him as a kid. I thought he was so cool. He didn’t give a shit and I loved that. I felt like I understood something in him. My perception of him was that he wasn’t afraid of anything. Wasn’t afraid to die. He took a lot of risks. I wanted to be a rebel just like him. I wanted to be a fucking badass.

I perceive him differently now.
I don’t want to be like him anymore.

I used to perceive risk as the threat of danger. I no longer see it so concretely.

Risk no longer means to live fast, die young and have a good-looking corpse.
It doesn’t insinuate that I don’t give a fuck.
It does not emphasize a longing for danger.

I am not a rebel without a cause.

But I am a rebel. And I choose risk every day.

When I abandon the safe haven of my conditions - I risk.
When I take the chance that I will feel great pain in the further and further opening of my heart - I risk.
When I surrender my preferences in favor of what is - I risk.
When I lay down my projected ideals upon another in order to create the conditions for us to be with each other as we are - I risk.
When I relinquish the illusion of control and lean into the vast unknown - I risk.
When I listen with a willingness to take on another point of view - I risk.
When I break down my barriers and let someone in to see me - I risk.
When I say yes to an unpredictable outcome - I risk.
When I trust in something that I cannot see or touch, that everything is going to be okay, knowing that okay might be nothing like what I imagined - I risk.
When I am more interested in being curious than being right - I risk.
When I am right here, with you - I risk.

I am willing to take the risk that I will lose everything…

My ideals.
My projections.
My “identity”.
My comfort.
My rightness.
My conditions.
My programs.
My stories.

…to know what true freedom is.

I am a rebel. A rebel with a cause.

To take the risk of dying a hundred thousand deaths.

To take the risk of being fully, consciously & intentionally alive.